Back in my early 20’s, I read a book called Hinds Feet in High Places. After reading it I joked that if I were the main character in that book my name would have been “I can do it all by myself- my way”. Call me a typical first born, but I have always preferred to be “ in control” with the pride and stubbornness that comes with it. Now I KNOW that this struggle will be the thorn in my flesh for many years to come, yet I can’t help but realize how the Lord has graciously humbled me, taught me, and brought me a little further to where I’m supposed to be. I’m not being proud, I’m just flat out thankful that there is hope along this road for growth!
When K first mentioned transitioning to the interim position in the “big church” I cried. I didn’t just cry, I had a tantrum. I came up with a million reasons why that wouldn’t be good- for ME. I liked teenagers. I liked our family’s rhythm. I didn’t feel comfortable engaging with adults in conversation- unless they shared the same passion for youth. I couldn’t lead committees, or women’s Bible studies, or be THE “pastor’s wife”…the list went on and on. And finally Ken asked, “Did you marry ME or YOUTH MINISTRY?” Telling question. In that moment of irrational emotion, I couldn’t answer. This lead to a 3-month transition of my heart. I called my precious friend and mentor, Cathy, who helped me process the “ME” out of the situation and finally arrive at what the LORD’s will was for the ministry, church and our family. By the time I got there, I was ready and willing to take on the challenge. It wasn’t any of my resolutions or insights that brought me to that place. NO, it was relinquishing control to the One who knows all things and the assistance of many honest friends that spoke truth to me (and rebuked me when necessary), encouraged me, and supported me.
(Lead in to background music “We’re All in This Together”” from High School Musical) I need community. I need the “covenant” family. I need people that KNOW my weaknesses, my sinful tendencies and me, to surround me and love me- NOT BECAUSE OF WHO I AM BUT IN SPITE OF WHO I AM. That is one of the many ways I am sharpened, challenged, and grow. I DON’T know what I’m doing- how to be a wife, a mom, a pastor’s wife. I need help! It has given to me in abundance- and it continues!! I am NOT “I can do it all by myself- my way” I am “lost, broken, and love/need Jesus”!! Thus, I am thankful for all those who surround me.
-I have learned to put my family FIRST. They are to be my “youth group”! I can plan things for them, teach them, process with them, and play with them. Sadly, this has been a struggle as I love ministry and sometimes at the expense of those under my roof.
-I'm not supposed to live up to the expectations of others- or what I perceive to be their expectations. I have to do what I am called to do- even if it means saying “no” to other good things. Oh, a direct hit to an "approval addict".
-I am not in the drivers seat. I need to open and willing to go the way of the day- even if it’s NOT what I expected. Whomever said there is “joy in the journey” I should add- even if you aren’t programming the GPS!
-People are more important that a clean house. HUGE, HUGE struggle for me.
(“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing- Phyllis Diller) The mess and the dirt aren’t going anywhere, but people do. So I’m now trying to let my house get dirty, instead of obsessing. I keep telling myself, “Someday, I’ll have to clean a clean house, and I’ll be sad.” (More evidence of the “control”….I know, I know..) Small steps...sometimes forward, sometimes backwards.
-Being transparent in the end is easier than pretending/denying that anything is wrong. I thought I had learned that long ago in the days of my post college “nervous breakdown” with help from my therapist, Eleanor. But I have re-discovered the freedom being honest. If you admit something’s “broken” you can fix it, and others will be able to help. If you ignore it, it festers and the end result reveals more damage. And being transparent isn’t usually easy- it can be embarrassing and painful- but worth it in the end.
-Community is important in the development for family, faith and FAMILY. Having others around, investing in my children, makes up for my/My man’s deficiencies. There so much that my children can learn from others- mercy, kindness, appreciation of things in life- that they couldn’t learn from us. It’s the reality of “it takes a village”. But even in that, I am learning boundaries. The “village” can’t do it all!
-Be thankful/joyful always. There is something to be thankful for in every situation. That’s not any of my old “over-done denial" optimisms, it’s just true. And looking back there is MUCH to be thankful for- the good and the challenging.
SO my “life verse” for this transition- as I move into another:
“Be joyful always; pray continually; Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will in Christ Jesus” I Thess. 5:16-18
I'm excited about this next adventure- it's ups and downs and bumps along the way. I can stretch and prepare with confidence as the jog begins. And can't wait to see how things continue to change and grow as the fire hydrant of life's lessons are turned on once more.
"Let us, then, be up and doing
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait"
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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