I'm SO over "grace"....

I’m so over grace.

That’s what I told Ken when he gave me a book to read called “Give Them Grace”. We’ve been hearing a lot about grace right now at church and it’s circles.  I feel like it’s almost the new “buzz word” of the season much like all the “experiencing God” emphasis years back or the whole "prodigal son" popularity that was everywhere last year. But here’s the deal: Grace is here to stay because, quite frankly, there’s no gospel without it. SO while the mention of the WORD may make my eyes roll (that would be self-righteousness rearing it’s head), cause division in His church, or make ripples in the undercurrent of conversations of theology, it’s a reality, THE reality that is at the root of the TRUE message of Christ.  And even more importantly, it DOES NOT nor WILL it dismiss the law.  It just rearranges the order of it.  We follow the law, love the law, BECAUSE of grace. Grace comes first. We DO out of gratitude and love instead of out of obligation and effort for righteousness and approval.  I feel like I should say that again: We follow the law, love the law, BECAUSE of grace. Grace comes first. We DO out of gratitude and love instead of out of obligation and effort for righteousness and approval.  And with that said, I am a little perplexed by the controversy. To me, that is the best of both sides- so everyone should be happy, right? Nope, apparently and sadly not. And this breaks my heart.

Not that I'm saying I'm completely right, (I’m NOT perfect- rather far from it) but I think I’ll give my parents some of the credit for the formulation of my understanding/perspective. My Mom grew up under the extremes of the law- earning forgiveness, security of eternity, the obligation of good works and following all the rules.  My dad grew up under the other side of the pendulum swing, maybe sometimes maybe missing the necessity of “owning” the rules and pulling the grace card when convenient. Growing up with black, white, and gray, led to many discussions and debates throughout the years- add in my church background (I will proudly name myself a former Baptist WITHOUT baggage) and a background of Christian and public education- and somehow I find myself here…wondering how such a wonderful foundation that both sets us free and  yet grants structure can become so divisive among the very people that it was meant to bless and encourage.  Honestly, all the whispers, controversy, division, and frustration of the body makes me want to temper tantrum, beat my chest, and sob- the same anguish of the sack cloth petitions/pleading in the Old Testament? I am heart broken and I am praying for reconciliation and restoration. After all it’s HIS church, not ours- and we do very well at being broken as evidenced even by my despair.

Thus enter the book “Give Them Grace. Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus” by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson.  As I preciously mentioned, I have read many parenting books. I thought I needed to- I have no idea what I am doing!  Remember, I didn’t even LIKE kids much until I had my own (No, I didn’t baby-sit much) and I know for a fact that I have some severe deficits I’m certain I am passing on to my children. K and I jokingly say we aren’t saving for college, we’re saving for therapy. After all, my folks did a great job, I had a great childhood and I STILL ended up on Eleanor’s couch with her explaining to me the consequences of denial and codependence, etc! (Of course, that was before Disney. Now I just want to take my family there and hope my kids will have good insurance and heath care system by the time they need therapy!)

This book was one of THE MOST balanced books I’ve read. First of all, it doesn’t claim to have all the answers or methods that work, because there are none. AND it reminds us that we can’t raise good kids by being a good parent- because we aren’t perfect parents, no matter how hard we try or how well intended we are. It doesn’t say to “ hide our kids from the evil world” (that they will eventually live in on their own) but it doesn’t encourage us to throw them to wolves and hope they survive OK.  It encourages us to look at the heart of everything, and first remember the beginning: the gospel, Grace, which is what ultimately motivates us to train, teach, discipline and RAISE our children. Now, I’m sure this book has it’s flaws. (Duh, it’s written by PEOPLE)- I have to admit, in the first few chapters, scenarios are given as well as “this is what you might say” and then followed by “this is what you should say”…and the later was a four paragraph gospel presentation intended for a four year old?! It took me a little while to realize that it’s not meant for you to SAY, but rather what you should be thinking when you DO address the child.  This isn’t a book of formulas, but it does direct you to the heart of your parenting and Who is ultimately in charge of the end result.

And here’s one of my favorite quotes, ready? (Even if you don’t have kids yet, you need to remember this truth because it is applicable on many levels)  “Even though our children cannot and will not obey God’s law, we need to teach it to them again and again.  When they tell us that they can’t love God or others in this way, we are not to argue with them, we are to agree with them and tell them of their need for a Savior” Maybe this resonates with me because I have children who can’t control their temper, or manipulate and lie. Maybe because I am a mother that continually finds myself focusing on “quick fixes” to behavior and wrestling with varying levels of control issues.  But it is key nonetheless.

OK, so now I’m going to include some of my favorite quotes. I hope that some of them don’t make sense or even sound questionable/out of context, because maybe it will make you want to read the book and/or measure it against the Word. Regardless, I DID finally blog and it wasn’t even a generic update on our family- because that will come later- if I can find the time!

“But one thing is for sure: we aren’t to give our children the law to make them good. It won’t because it can’t.

If a Mormon can parent the same way you do, your parenting isn’t Christian.

Teaching our children to be well-behaved, good citizens is proper as far as it goes.  But we must never mistake this training for Christian nurture or discipline, nor should we mistake their acquiescence to our social mores as true Christian righteousness.

We’re not working because we want to earn a wage. We don’t work to earn God’s blessing. We work because we already have it (Rom.4:4-8)

Godly obedience is motivated by love for God and trust in His gracious plan and power. Works righteousness is motivated by unbelief; it is a reliance on our abilities and a desire to control outcomes.

We have far too high a view of our ability to shape our children and far too low a view of God’s love and trustworthiness.

Grace trains us to rest in what Christ has done for us AND to live lives of godly gratitude.

Even Old Testament parents didn’t discipline and instruct their children solely in the law.  They, too, were to give the promises of grace because they had been given grace, and only grace changes the heart.  The law was always given subsequent to God’s initiating mercy and always in the center of a relationship with his children, NEVER as a way to earn His blessing.

Paul’s command to “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” means this “ that parents are to think about and remember Jesus Christ and then train their children to understand how everything in their lives- their joys and sorrows, their trials and labors, their doubts, sin, and shame- is to be understood and approached in the light of Jesus Christ, who descended from David rather than from Levi, died and rose from the dead.

Remind your children who they are, of your love and welcome.  Then remind them of God’s gracious offer of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ.  THEN command their obedience.

The weaknesses, failures, and sins of our family are the places where we learn that we need grace too. It is there too, in those dark mercies, that God teaches us to be humbly dependent.  It is there that he draws near to us and sweetly revels His grace.

To know that the Lord loves us and uses us for His glory and that He can save our children in spite of our parenting rather than because of it may have been very good news to your burdened soul.”

Lucky for you, I’m tired of typing and Keller is asking for his 8^th snack.  SO you’ll have to find the rest of the great nuggets yourself!

His Grace AND His Peace!!

Call me a woman of good intentions...

One of the  many "rare" snows

Call me of woman of good intentions.  I INTENDED to write a semi-regular update of the happenings of life, the children, ah ha moments, and the like. But that was before I realized how exhausting life could become (in a good way) and how limited my “number of words to be expelled in a day” could become.  I am finding that by the time dinner is over, I am all but counting the minutes until everyone is in bed asleep (hopefully WITHOUT me losing my temper, yelling, etc.). And just to prove how challenging this can be, bedtime has now been changed (earlier) to 7:30. It makes more a more pleasant evening with minimal meltdowns from the kids- and from mom. And there are no bedtime stories, or even prayers.  Nope. That all has been re-assigned to earlier in the day.  Sounds pathetic, but it too, was a necessity for peace.  And for the most part it is working.  I have also begun to resign myself to the reality that I am morphing from an energetic extrovert to a friendly introvert.

So in a nutshell, the holiday season was delightful. A great Thanksgiving with my man’s family, a magical Christmas with my folk s (and snow!)…January brought MORE snow and a trip to Puerto Rico for my man and me with friends (conviently DURING the week of snow days). Next came my man’s conference/retreat marathon- which lead to him being home maybe 5 days in the month that followed. But PHEW! We made it! The kids are bigger, the schedule continues to get busier (‘tis the season) and we are all still a happy, semi-healthy, family together once more.

A's latest Magazine Cover

I am LOVING home schooling with A. I may even consider it for a year with all the kids once they get to second grade. It has been a sweet season to get to know her again, talk and process through the things she’s learning about life and relationships (that sounds weird..), and of course be excited about learning what she’s learning along with her.  Truth be told, I think both of us will be excited when she returns to school next year.  But I think we will both miss the time together. And now, I’m no longer afraid. Now I know I CAN home school if needed.  I also have a new respect for parents that home school more than one at a time.  Hats off to you, I don’t think I could do it.  And if for some reason I DO find myself in that place down the line, I can guarantee I will NOT be able to even THINK about blogging, let alone doing ANYTHING that requires mental or emotional energy at the end of the day. A is quick with math (not my genes) and loves science.  She’s been writing and illustrating, and reading a lot.  We even finished our first Nancy Drew book. (Parts of which I had to explain, as a phones with a cord, a phone booth, and having to drive into town to call- no cell phone in a car- were all foreign to her. It was also funny trying to discuss encyclopedias with her. After explaining what they are and how to use them, she asked, “wouldn’t it just be easier to google it?”

All love-ly AG

AG loves school and has continued to relish in the social perks of school.  Anything she comes home talking about is relationally based- anything academic is merely an “oh and, by the way….”. Conversations are largely about who sat by whom at lunch, who likes who- including a marriage proposal (?), plans regarding future college roommates, and stories about some “mean boy who always tells me to move in the carpool pick-up line because he wants to sit by whoever I am sitting by”… I am most encouraged (and fearful) by AG’s HUGE, selfless heart.  She genuinely cares for her friends.  She’s helping them, encouraging them with her words (“kinda like a cheerleader, mom”), wants to include “new kids” in the games on the playground…She’s even started inviting teachers to come over to our house for cookie Tuesday!  Of course, I see the glimmers of hurt to come as well, but I’m thankful she’s starting out sweet.  I also know that she will be able to survive – as she still maintains feistiness at home! My favorite thing she is doing right now is wanting to pray for people- a kids in her class that can’t stop coughing, the bully boy in the carpool line- and she usually forgets till the last minute and adds it as a “PS” or “PSS” at the end of our prayers for dinner. Bet you thought that was only used in letters? Nope. Not at our house!

Post hair-cut- new hair on chin?

K is still all boy: Curious but not mischievous, active but not wild.  I say those statements tentatively as I don’t want to be to assumptive. He continues his funny comments, and is talking in paragraphs. This week he called me into his room because he couldn’t sleep because there was a “Turdle in this bed making noise”. I “removed” the turtle and put it in the bathroom.  He paused for a minute and said he still heard “som-ting”.  I told him it was probably the TV in my bedroom because I was folding laundry. He paused, and then said, “wait a minute, (favorite phrase) where’s My TB for MY room?!”. (Clever- not going to happen.) He gives kisses and hugs at bedtime (usually the only time) and will say, “one more time”..one more time”..several times each night, And although I am aware this has become a bedtime stalling technique, I do not care. Little boys become cool big boys that don’t kiss their moms- or hug them. I’m saving up for later! He gets muddy any chance he can- but hates being sticky.  He uses the most napkins in our house. His newest hang up is shoes. He only wants to wear his cowboy boots out of the house but wants to wear a different pair every 10 minutes IN the house. HE SHOOTS EVERYTHING with “guns”. In the grocery store he was using a French loaf of bread from the cart. At the Greek restaurant, he used the wire holder that holds the table number, and in the back yard he uses sticks…He has been told to only shoot animals so he will yell “you are a _______ (insert animal), I shoot you! My man tried to say he could shoot monsters, but since Elmo and Cookie Monster, etc are the only monsters he knows, that backfired. I know that most mothers of boys know that my guidelines are all in vain.  Boys will be boys.  I know.  I’m just doing what I can to ease my conscience. K is also a very talented air guitar player.  He has played guitar on the likes of a seatbelt, a toothpaste box, a wooden spoon and an actual toy guitar. From Taylor Swift’s “Mean” to “ Jesus Loves Me” and “Mighty to Save”, he plays and sings. Who knows, maybe he’s the next Justin Bieber? (Just kidding!)

As for ah ha moments, I’ve read a few books, had a few thoughts, and moments of inspiration/conviction but I’m out of words... I’ll have to try again tomorrow, or the next day.