Clearly, I am NOT a blogger. especially if my posts are years apart.....

AND 

I am not a writer. And none of this is profound. But rather a basic  “ah-ha” moment as the Lord connected some of the dots for me this week…

I don’t have answers, solutions, or strategies. There is too much happening. In the world, in our country, state, city, and at home. So much hurt, confusion, and suffering in “all things”.

In some of these things, I know I can’t find the solution. The challenges are huge, the roots of the issues run deep. It’s not that I have given up, but I know for progress, awareness, time, consistent effort and prayer will continue for the BIG issues at hand. 

But then there is the next layer of “all the things” personal. Whether it be with work, with the economy, with my family, there are so many things that are heavy, that I can’t fix. I told a friend this week, it feels like everything has sharp corners.  As much as I love a book for reference, a conversation with a mentor or therapist, processing with my husband, crying out to the Lord for answers or insights at 3am, etc. I can’t figure it out. And as we talked through areas of where we feel like we are failing this week with friends at dinner, this is where I feel I’m stuck. Because I don’t know how or what to do. And my mind is often clouded with my own baggage of being 12, or 15, or 17…..

I don’t know how to parent through the college application process with all the Corona crazy- No ACT/SAT but applications are looming. Grades, scholarships, navigating through which school.

I don’t know how to walk with my children as they grieve broken relationships, disappointments, transitions, feeling betrayed, and complicated friendships or the loneliness and angst that keeps sadness a constant companion. 

I don’t know how to encourage without applying too much pressure. To help my kids set goals and standards and yet not feel controlled by expectations of themselves, us, or others.

I don’t know what to do with an adolescent son as he tries to figure out who he is if he has friends, what is important to him, and how to guide him through the emotions that come out as frustrated and defensive all the time.

I don’t know how to plan the fall with possible sports, activities, employment, school with all the variables that cry out for structure and routine.

I just. don’t. know.

And I recognize the fear. Fear of failing, fear of insecurity. Fear of creating unhealthy systems. Fear of parenting from my baggage. Fear of causing even more issues that a therapist will need to unpack later. Fear of saying and doing the wrong thing and the consequences that follow. Fear that I can’t reflect the faith that I identify with and cling to because I’m not seeing the answers to KNOW.

I’m a pastor’s wife. A follower of Jesus. So I know the “Trust Jesus” and put a bow on it mantra. But that isn’t enough. This is where I am called to dig deep, past the Christian quotes and prosperity gospel that leaks into our thinking that if we DO right all will BE right.  

I need to once again dig into the theology of who God is, His sovereignty, and His faithfulness. But not to give me answers to all the things I don’t know. (although that’s what I really want). But to be reminded that He is walking with me in the suffering, in the questions, in the unknown. And I need to look back and be reminded of his love and faithfulness that has sustained me again and again. It is the seasons when I couldn’t process or connect with someone on the phone, that I remembered I need to go to him first. It was when I couldn’t identify myself in my circumstances, that I planted my feet in His truth and calling. It was when my mind was wrought with emotion and I couldn’t think straight, He came and sat with me in it until peace peeked its head.

And then I had the realization that there is a “positive” to parenting through my baggage. Someone said that being a parent was like having your heart outside your body. And I confess, sometimes, maybe even often, I think I feel more of my kids' pain than they actually do. Maybe that’s being a mom? Maybe I just love my kids too much? Along with the exaggerated emotions, I feel on the inside regarding their journeys, I recall memories of my own past experiences in their struggles. (Most are now seen in the third person, not first, thanks to some brain spotting).  I can see now how the Lord worked and carried me through them. The hard times, the loneliness the rejection, the feeling of being untethered and misunderstood, feeling attacked, and disliked, all the things I didn’t know then led me to what I know now. The Lord is faithful. He is at work. 

In those seasons when I didn’t know:

I learned the Lord has a plan that can’t be thwarted. I can look back on my life, on those moments of crisis, fear, hurt and see how the Lord refined me in it, grew me through it, drew me to Himself, and helped mature my faith. I found a college, friends, jobs, a husband, a calling…

It taught me how to be merciful and loyal, to listen for what is not being said but needs to be heard. People want to be known. Grace is to be given and received. Assume the highest motive and find Jesus in everyone- we were all made in His image. 

It helped me transition from the reference section of my Bible and devotional books, to the Word of God, the Bible, wresting through its meaning in my life. 

I learned how to be a friend and how not to be. The importance of keeping confidences. And how sweet it can be to have friends that share your faith- because that common denominator makes friends for life, not just a season. The importance of discernment in all relationships and that Jesus is big enough to heal even really deep hurts, it just takes time.

And even really basic things like what kinds of things would be a priority to me, the importance and reward of hard work, a balance that’s needed to be healthy, and that regardless of my good intentions and efforts, I’m a broken person.

And so as I watch my children in these seasons of “all the things” instead of ruminating in the wounds of the memories I relate to their experiences, I can call out the faithfulness of the Lord in all of it. HE will hold them fast. Even in their bumps and bruises, tears of pain, or rejoicing, the Lord is in it all. And my prayers can move from the pleas of “please fix this Jesus” to “may they find You in this and grow them in their love for You”.

So, here I am with hards open. Asking the Lord to give me ears to hear and eyes to see what I can when I can. And to trust in Him, and faithfulness and love. I pray that the Lord keeps me seeking him first and my mentors and books as supplements along the way. The only thing I need to know is that the Lord is sovereign and loving and is with us. He is faithful and He will do it. I don’t know, because right now, I’m not supposed to.

Sometimes following Jesus often means we live on a “need to know basis”….and I’m writing this to remind myself of that.