Clearly, I am NOT a blogger. especially if my posts are years apart.....

AND 

I am not a writer. And none of this is profound. But rather a basic  “ah-ha” moment as the Lord connected some of the dots for me this week…

I don’t have answers, solutions, or strategies. There is too much happening. In the world, in our country, state, city, and at home. So much hurt, confusion, and suffering in “all things”.

In some of these things, I know I can’t find the solution. The challenges are huge, the roots of the issues run deep. It’s not that I have given up, but I know for progress, awareness, time, consistent effort and prayer will continue for the BIG issues at hand. 

But then there is the next layer of “all the things” personal. Whether it be with work, with the economy, with my family, there are so many things that are heavy, that I can’t fix. I told a friend this week, it feels like everything has sharp corners.  As much as I love a book for reference, a conversation with a mentor or therapist, processing with my husband, crying out to the Lord for answers or insights at 3am, etc. I can’t figure it out. And as we talked through areas of where we feel like we are failing this week with friends at dinner, this is where I feel I’m stuck. Because I don’t know how or what to do. And my mind is often clouded with my own baggage of being 12, or 15, or 17…..

I don’t know how to parent through the college application process with all the Corona crazy- No ACT/SAT but applications are looming. Grades, scholarships, navigating through which school.

I don’t know how to walk with my children as they grieve broken relationships, disappointments, transitions, feeling betrayed, and complicated friendships or the loneliness and angst that keeps sadness a constant companion. 

I don’t know how to encourage without applying too much pressure. To help my kids set goals and standards and yet not feel controlled by expectations of themselves, us, or others.

I don’t know what to do with an adolescent son as he tries to figure out who he is if he has friends, what is important to him, and how to guide him through the emotions that come out as frustrated and defensive all the time.

I don’t know how to plan the fall with possible sports, activities, employment, school with all the variables that cry out for structure and routine.

I just. don’t. know.

And I recognize the fear. Fear of failing, fear of insecurity. Fear of creating unhealthy systems. Fear of parenting from my baggage. Fear of causing even more issues that a therapist will need to unpack later. Fear of saying and doing the wrong thing and the consequences that follow. Fear that I can’t reflect the faith that I identify with and cling to because I’m not seeing the answers to KNOW.

I’m a pastor’s wife. A follower of Jesus. So I know the “Trust Jesus” and put a bow on it mantra. But that isn’t enough. This is where I am called to dig deep, past the Christian quotes and prosperity gospel that leaks into our thinking that if we DO right all will BE right.  

I need to once again dig into the theology of who God is, His sovereignty, and His faithfulness. But not to give me answers to all the things I don’t know. (although that’s what I really want). But to be reminded that He is walking with me in the suffering, in the questions, in the unknown. And I need to look back and be reminded of his love and faithfulness that has sustained me again and again. It is the seasons when I couldn’t process or connect with someone on the phone, that I remembered I need to go to him first. It was when I couldn’t identify myself in my circumstances, that I planted my feet in His truth and calling. It was when my mind was wrought with emotion and I couldn’t think straight, He came and sat with me in it until peace peeked its head.

And then I had the realization that there is a “positive” to parenting through my baggage. Someone said that being a parent was like having your heart outside your body. And I confess, sometimes, maybe even often, I think I feel more of my kids' pain than they actually do. Maybe that’s being a mom? Maybe I just love my kids too much? Along with the exaggerated emotions, I feel on the inside regarding their journeys, I recall memories of my own past experiences in their struggles. (Most are now seen in the third person, not first, thanks to some brain spotting).  I can see now how the Lord worked and carried me through them. The hard times, the loneliness the rejection, the feeling of being untethered and misunderstood, feeling attacked, and disliked, all the things I didn’t know then led me to what I know now. The Lord is faithful. He is at work. 

In those seasons when I didn’t know:

I learned the Lord has a plan that can’t be thwarted. I can look back on my life, on those moments of crisis, fear, hurt and see how the Lord refined me in it, grew me through it, drew me to Himself, and helped mature my faith. I found a college, friends, jobs, a husband, a calling…

It taught me how to be merciful and loyal, to listen for what is not being said but needs to be heard. People want to be known. Grace is to be given and received. Assume the highest motive and find Jesus in everyone- we were all made in His image. 

It helped me transition from the reference section of my Bible and devotional books, to the Word of God, the Bible, wresting through its meaning in my life. 

I learned how to be a friend and how not to be. The importance of keeping confidences. And how sweet it can be to have friends that share your faith- because that common denominator makes friends for life, not just a season. The importance of discernment in all relationships and that Jesus is big enough to heal even really deep hurts, it just takes time.

And even really basic things like what kinds of things would be a priority to me, the importance and reward of hard work, a balance that’s needed to be healthy, and that regardless of my good intentions and efforts, I’m a broken person.

And so as I watch my children in these seasons of “all the things” instead of ruminating in the wounds of the memories I relate to their experiences, I can call out the faithfulness of the Lord in all of it. HE will hold them fast. Even in their bumps and bruises, tears of pain, or rejoicing, the Lord is in it all. And my prayers can move from the pleas of “please fix this Jesus” to “may they find You in this and grow them in their love for You”.

So, here I am with hards open. Asking the Lord to give me ears to hear and eyes to see what I can when I can. And to trust in Him, and faithfulness and love. I pray that the Lord keeps me seeking him first and my mentors and books as supplements along the way. The only thing I need to know is that the Lord is sovereign and loving and is with us. He is faithful and He will do it. I don’t know, because right now, I’m not supposed to.

Sometimes following Jesus often means we live on a “need to know basis”….and I’m writing this to remind myself of that. 

Cookie Tuesday- How it came to be

So, I know I haven't written anything in a LONG TIME.  Let's just say that I'm using all my words up in real life and don't have the time or mental capacity to blog anything, let alone write a thank you note (all overdue) or share anything( forget the pressure of saying something PROFOUND)...I can't do that. I spend my time "applying" for jobs, pretending I'm Cinderella, running carpools, and googling how to do 6th grade math (confirmation that I was a Music Therapy major). But so many people have asked about Cookie Tuesday, I decided to sit down for an hour and explain it- as best as I can remember... 

It all started with the hate of ballet tights. Might seem to be strange statement as I explain Cookie Tuesday, but that IS how it all began.

           

            It was 2008 (I think?) and my oldest had started taking ballet classes with a friend. They would come home from school, put on the most precious pink tights and leotard, tiny ballet shoes, get their hair in a bun (or ponytail). The first few weeks it was nothing but excitement. But then came the “tight resistance”.  It was the new weekly meltdown that came with the “let’s get on your tights”. Sitting down on the floor, gathering up the tights to first slip them over the feet, gradually pulling up the legs, and then the ultimate ‘pull them up’, often lifting her off the ground to get them ON. It only took about a month and a half of this madness to see that something would have to be done to make this whole experience more tolerable.

     

       So, then came cookies. Yep, a bribe- sort of.  “Get ready for Ballet, and there will be fresh, homemade cookies for snack before you go”. And, yes, it did work. My typical outlook of “how can we find/make something good about this?” was cookies. And it was an easy fix at that. I grew up baking cookies. My brothers both can make cookies. My mom baked cookies, and she always said, “If you’re going to make the effort to make a batch, you might as well double it”. So I made cookies, and I doubled the batch. So I had a lot of cookies left after the 6 year olds went off to ballet.

            Enter Mr. Jim, our neighbor from down the street. Hands down the nicest man you’ll ever meet. And every Tuesday afternoon, he would bring our trashcan up from the street...and then, he smelled cookies. Needless to say, Jim became a regular for cookies. He became, in fact, the cookie accountability authority. He made sure that cookies would be made and was usually the first person to try them each week.  If for some reason we had an off week, Jim would tease me mercilessly, until I started keeping a few bags in the freezer for the off weeks.

           

            But I still had all these cookies...So we started sending some to school each week to my kid’s teachers, and taking plates to the neighbors close by.  And after a few weeks I decided just taking cookies wasn’t really very neighborly or communal, so I started inviting them to pop in for some with milk after school.  Soon the kid’s friends realized there were cookies being made on Tuesdays, and a few would stop by. Some would have their mom’s bring them, and then the moms and I would visit while they ate cookies and ran around the backyard.

            I think it was about then I had my first “ah ha moment” and realized the blessing and beauty of this opportunity for community. Kids playing, moms talking and connecting, neighbors dropping in. And I didn’t MAKE it happen, it just happened. There wasn’t stress of “entertaining”, to have my house clean, to make some official event. People came to BE together, to visit, process through and laugh at life, take a break from the madness...and eat cookies.  I just made cookies that I was craving (still my breakfast for the next day) and had milk. And people came. It was, I realized, a beautiful picture of life as it can/should be.

       

 My husband changed position in his job, placing him back into the realm of “youth culture”. We had lived this before, and LOVED it (for me, maybe a little too much). It was his hope we would once again unite in ministering to middle school and high school students. The only difference now was I was finally aware of “my own people” aka MY children that needed my primary time, attention and emotional investment. Thus, my logical solution was to open up Cookie Tuesday to the teenagers as well- Like having your cookie and eating it too, right? Ha! I went from making my recipe x4 (we were far past the doubling amount) to making the recipe x8! THAT is a lot of butter, and lots of milk to drink with those cookies. But the organized chaos continued to be a blessing, as the “big kids” would play with the “little kids”, meaningful conversations were happening, relationships made/strengthened and most of all, IT WAS SO FUN! There were all shapes, sizes, ages, stages of people from school, church, the neighborhood all together and it was lovely. Even as I think back to it now, I see snapshots of kids running, teenagers clumping, mama’s sitting, and even hear some music being played over it like a scene in a movie. Did I mention, it was chaos? Because it was that too. Toys were scattered everywhere in the house and outside, milk was spilled, cookie ground into the carpet, things got broken, kids needed refereeing at times, but even that was worth it. We are all a glorious mess, and this was a glimpse of the mess redeemed.

     Turn the page. In a rather quick transition, including selling our house and living with my best friend for 5 months, we found ourselves in Franklin, Tennessee just outside of Nashville- new house, new neighborhood, new church, new school, new everything. And yet the first question asked as school was about to start from my kids: would we still have Cookie Tuesday, even here? It was then I realized it had become a connecting point, an opportunity for hospitality, and a way to “love on people” for the kids. It wasn’t just a tradition anymore, it was now a calling. They saw the value in having time to talk, to share the joys, sorrows and challenges, do homework together, to run around and play, and of course eat cookies as a means of “loving people, places and things to life”.

           And so, we made cookies. The first few weeks, it was just us, and the cookie recipe was just doubled. But slowly, kids started knocking at the door, people would pop in for “just a minute”, mom’s started coming with their toddlers to be able to have a conversation with an adult and have a cup of coffee. And so it begins again. Sometimes, there are only a handful come, other weeks, we are pulling out all the secret cookie plate reserves. My house still isn’t too clean, there is still milk spilled, cookies ground into the floor, and all sorts of bugs in the house from the doors being left open as kids run in and out. But there are also kids doing Math at the dining room table, the trampoline has (too many) laughing kids on it, toy trucks are being driven and airplanes are flying, musical instruments are being played, and it is the most beautiful sound of love and life imaginable. I don't know how long it will last, months, years... it's yet to be seen. As long as people are coming, there will be cookies to eat.  Making cookies is a privilege, a small way to reflect and share the Goodness and Greatness in life to anyone that wants to join in. Come on by, or grab one to go most Tuesdays from 3-5pm. The flavor of the day is always posted on my facebook/instagram. We'll just be glad you came!

And all because my daughter hated wearing tights.

I'm SO over "grace"....

I’m so over grace.

That’s what I told Ken when he gave me a book to read called “Give Them Grace”. We’ve been hearing a lot about grace right now at church and it’s circles.  I feel like it’s almost the new “buzz word” of the season much like all the “experiencing God” emphasis years back or the whole "prodigal son" popularity that was everywhere last year. But here’s the deal: Grace is here to stay because, quite frankly, there’s no gospel without it. SO while the mention of the WORD may make my eyes roll (that would be self-righteousness rearing it’s head), cause division in His church, or make ripples in the undercurrent of conversations of theology, it’s a reality, THE reality that is at the root of the TRUE message of Christ.  And even more importantly, it DOES NOT nor WILL it dismiss the law.  It just rearranges the order of it.  We follow the law, love the law, BECAUSE of grace. Grace comes first. We DO out of gratitude and love instead of out of obligation and effort for righteousness and approval.  I feel like I should say that again: We follow the law, love the law, BECAUSE of grace. Grace comes first. We DO out of gratitude and love instead of out of obligation and effort for righteousness and approval.  And with that said, I am a little perplexed by the controversy. To me, that is the best of both sides- so everyone should be happy, right? Nope, apparently and sadly not. And this breaks my heart.

Not that I'm saying I'm completely right, (I’m NOT perfect- rather far from it) but I think I’ll give my parents some of the credit for the formulation of my understanding/perspective. My Mom grew up under the extremes of the law- earning forgiveness, security of eternity, the obligation of good works and following all the rules.  My dad grew up under the other side of the pendulum swing, maybe sometimes maybe missing the necessity of “owning” the rules and pulling the grace card when convenient. Growing up with black, white, and gray, led to many discussions and debates throughout the years- add in my church background (I will proudly name myself a former Baptist WITHOUT baggage) and a background of Christian and public education- and somehow I find myself here…wondering how such a wonderful foundation that both sets us free and  yet grants structure can become so divisive among the very people that it was meant to bless and encourage.  Honestly, all the whispers, controversy, division, and frustration of the body makes me want to temper tantrum, beat my chest, and sob- the same anguish of the sack cloth petitions/pleading in the Old Testament? I am heart broken and I am praying for reconciliation and restoration. After all it’s HIS church, not ours- and we do very well at being broken as evidenced even by my despair.

Thus enter the book “Give Them Grace. Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus” by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson.  As I preciously mentioned, I have read many parenting books. I thought I needed to- I have no idea what I am doing!  Remember, I didn’t even LIKE kids much until I had my own (No, I didn’t baby-sit much) and I know for a fact that I have some severe deficits I’m certain I am passing on to my children. K and I jokingly say we aren’t saving for college, we’re saving for therapy. After all, my folks did a great job, I had a great childhood and I STILL ended up on Eleanor’s couch with her explaining to me the consequences of denial and codependence, etc! (Of course, that was before Disney. Now I just want to take my family there and hope my kids will have good insurance and heath care system by the time they need therapy!)

This book was one of THE MOST balanced books I’ve read. First of all, it doesn’t claim to have all the answers or methods that work, because there are none. AND it reminds us that we can’t raise good kids by being a good parent- because we aren’t perfect parents, no matter how hard we try or how well intended we are. It doesn’t say to “ hide our kids from the evil world” (that they will eventually live in on their own) but it doesn’t encourage us to throw them to wolves and hope they survive OK.  It encourages us to look at the heart of everything, and first remember the beginning: the gospel, Grace, which is what ultimately motivates us to train, teach, discipline and RAISE our children. Now, I’m sure this book has it’s flaws. (Duh, it’s written by PEOPLE)- I have to admit, in the first few chapters, scenarios are given as well as “this is what you might say” and then followed by “this is what you should say”…and the later was a four paragraph gospel presentation intended for a four year old?! It took me a little while to realize that it’s not meant for you to SAY, but rather what you should be thinking when you DO address the child.  This isn’t a book of formulas, but it does direct you to the heart of your parenting and Who is ultimately in charge of the end result.

And here’s one of my favorite quotes, ready? (Even if you don’t have kids yet, you need to remember this truth because it is applicable on many levels)  “Even though our children cannot and will not obey God’s law, we need to teach it to them again and again.  When they tell us that they can’t love God or others in this way, we are not to argue with them, we are to agree with them and tell them of their need for a Savior” Maybe this resonates with me because I have children who can’t control their temper, or manipulate and lie. Maybe because I am a mother that continually finds myself focusing on “quick fixes” to behavior and wrestling with varying levels of control issues.  But it is key nonetheless.

OK, so now I’m going to include some of my favorite quotes. I hope that some of them don’t make sense or even sound questionable/out of context, because maybe it will make you want to read the book and/or measure it against the Word. Regardless, I DID finally blog and it wasn’t even a generic update on our family- because that will come later- if I can find the time!

“But one thing is for sure: we aren’t to give our children the law to make them good. It won’t because it can’t.

If a Mormon can parent the same way you do, your parenting isn’t Christian.

Teaching our children to be well-behaved, good citizens is proper as far as it goes.  But we must never mistake this training for Christian nurture or discipline, nor should we mistake their acquiescence to our social mores as true Christian righteousness.

We’re not working because we want to earn a wage. We don’t work to earn God’s blessing. We work because we already have it (Rom.4:4-8)

Godly obedience is motivated by love for God and trust in His gracious plan and power. Works righteousness is motivated by unbelief; it is a reliance on our abilities and a desire to control outcomes.

We have far too high a view of our ability to shape our children and far too low a view of God’s love and trustworthiness.

Grace trains us to rest in what Christ has done for us AND to live lives of godly gratitude.

Even Old Testament parents didn’t discipline and instruct their children solely in the law.  They, too, were to give the promises of grace because they had been given grace, and only grace changes the heart.  The law was always given subsequent to God’s initiating mercy and always in the center of a relationship with his children, NEVER as a way to earn His blessing.

Paul’s command to “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” means this “ that parents are to think about and remember Jesus Christ and then train their children to understand how everything in their lives- their joys and sorrows, their trials and labors, their doubts, sin, and shame- is to be understood and approached in the light of Jesus Christ, who descended from David rather than from Levi, died and rose from the dead.

Remind your children who they are, of your love and welcome.  Then remind them of God’s gracious offer of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ.  THEN command their obedience.

The weaknesses, failures, and sins of our family are the places where we learn that we need grace too. It is there too, in those dark mercies, that God teaches us to be humbly dependent.  It is there that he draws near to us and sweetly revels His grace.

To know that the Lord loves us and uses us for His glory and that He can save our children in spite of our parenting rather than because of it may have been very good news to your burdened soul.”

Lucky for you, I’m tired of typing and Keller is asking for his 8^th snack.  SO you’ll have to find the rest of the great nuggets yourself!

His Grace AND His Peace!!

Call me a woman of good intentions...

One of the  many "rare" snows

Call me of woman of good intentions.  I INTENDED to write a semi-regular update of the happenings of life, the children, ah ha moments, and the like. But that was before I realized how exhausting life could become (in a good way) and how limited my “number of words to be expelled in a day” could become.  I am finding that by the time dinner is over, I am all but counting the minutes until everyone is in bed asleep (hopefully WITHOUT me losing my temper, yelling, etc.). And just to prove how challenging this can be, bedtime has now been changed (earlier) to 7:30. It makes more a more pleasant evening with minimal meltdowns from the kids- and from mom. And there are no bedtime stories, or even prayers.  Nope. That all has been re-assigned to earlier in the day.  Sounds pathetic, but it too, was a necessity for peace.  And for the most part it is working.  I have also begun to resign myself to the reality that I am morphing from an energetic extrovert to a friendly introvert.

So in a nutshell, the holiday season was delightful. A great Thanksgiving with my man’s family, a magical Christmas with my folk s (and snow!)…January brought MORE snow and a trip to Puerto Rico for my man and me with friends (conviently DURING the week of snow days). Next came my man’s conference/retreat marathon- which lead to him being home maybe 5 days in the month that followed. But PHEW! We made it! The kids are bigger, the schedule continues to get busier (‘tis the season) and we are all still a happy, semi-healthy, family together once more.

A's latest Magazine Cover

I am LOVING home schooling with A. I may even consider it for a year with all the kids once they get to second grade. It has been a sweet season to get to know her again, talk and process through the things she’s learning about life and relationships (that sounds weird..), and of course be excited about learning what she’s learning along with her.  Truth be told, I think both of us will be excited when she returns to school next year.  But I think we will both miss the time together. And now, I’m no longer afraid. Now I know I CAN home school if needed.  I also have a new respect for parents that home school more than one at a time.  Hats off to you, I don’t think I could do it.  And if for some reason I DO find myself in that place down the line, I can guarantee I will NOT be able to even THINK about blogging, let alone doing ANYTHING that requires mental or emotional energy at the end of the day. A is quick with math (not my genes) and loves science.  She’s been writing and illustrating, and reading a lot.  We even finished our first Nancy Drew book. (Parts of which I had to explain, as a phones with a cord, a phone booth, and having to drive into town to call- no cell phone in a car- were all foreign to her. It was also funny trying to discuss encyclopedias with her. After explaining what they are and how to use them, she asked, “wouldn’t it just be easier to google it?”

All love-ly AG

AG loves school and has continued to relish in the social perks of school.  Anything she comes home talking about is relationally based- anything academic is merely an “oh and, by the way….”. Conversations are largely about who sat by whom at lunch, who likes who- including a marriage proposal (?), plans regarding future college roommates, and stories about some “mean boy who always tells me to move in the carpool pick-up line because he wants to sit by whoever I am sitting by”… I am most encouraged (and fearful) by AG’s HUGE, selfless heart.  She genuinely cares for her friends.  She’s helping them, encouraging them with her words (“kinda like a cheerleader, mom”), wants to include “new kids” in the games on the playground…She’s even started inviting teachers to come over to our house for cookie Tuesday!  Of course, I see the glimmers of hurt to come as well, but I’m thankful she’s starting out sweet.  I also know that she will be able to survive – as she still maintains feistiness at home! My favorite thing she is doing right now is wanting to pray for people- a kids in her class that can’t stop coughing, the bully boy in the carpool line- and she usually forgets till the last minute and adds it as a “PS” or “PSS” at the end of our prayers for dinner. Bet you thought that was only used in letters? Nope. Not at our house!

Post hair-cut- new hair on chin?

K is still all boy: Curious but not mischievous, active but not wild.  I say those statements tentatively as I don’t want to be to assumptive. He continues his funny comments, and is talking in paragraphs. This week he called me into his room because he couldn’t sleep because there was a “Turdle in this bed making noise”. I “removed” the turtle and put it in the bathroom.  He paused for a minute and said he still heard “som-ting”.  I told him it was probably the TV in my bedroom because I was folding laundry. He paused, and then said, “wait a minute, (favorite phrase) where’s My TB for MY room?!”. (Clever- not going to happen.) He gives kisses and hugs at bedtime (usually the only time) and will say, “one more time”..one more time”..several times each night, And although I am aware this has become a bedtime stalling technique, I do not care. Little boys become cool big boys that don’t kiss their moms- or hug them. I’m saving up for later! He gets muddy any chance he can- but hates being sticky.  He uses the most napkins in our house. His newest hang up is shoes. He only wants to wear his cowboy boots out of the house but wants to wear a different pair every 10 minutes IN the house. HE SHOOTS EVERYTHING with “guns”. In the grocery store he was using a French loaf of bread from the cart. At the Greek restaurant, he used the wire holder that holds the table number, and in the back yard he uses sticks…He has been told to only shoot animals so he will yell “you are a _______ (insert animal), I shoot you! My man tried to say he could shoot monsters, but since Elmo and Cookie Monster, etc are the only monsters he knows, that backfired. I know that most mothers of boys know that my guidelines are all in vain.  Boys will be boys.  I know.  I’m just doing what I can to ease my conscience. K is also a very talented air guitar player.  He has played guitar on the likes of a seatbelt, a toothpaste box, a wooden spoon and an actual toy guitar. From Taylor Swift’s “Mean” to “ Jesus Loves Me” and “Mighty to Save”, he plays and sings. Who knows, maybe he’s the next Justin Bieber? (Just kidding!)

As for ah ha moments, I’ve read a few books, had a few thoughts, and moments of inspiration/conviction but I’m out of words... I’ll have to try again tomorrow, or the next day.

Blessings in Travel

          As I drove to school this morning, clutching my full cup off coffee as we went over speed bumps, listening to the backseat conversation about tattoo distribution (fake tattoos), I was struck once again with how very blessed I am.  The past month has been amazing. SO MUCH to be thankful for- and it isn’t even Thanksgiving yet! I can hear my mom singing in the back of my head- her sweet, yet monotone voice “Count your blessings, name them one by one”. OK, honestly she sang that to us when we were NOT being thankful but rather complaining, but this morning it was the opposite. I am now aware of how important it is to recognize/ acknowledging the good things/times in life as it helps you get through the bumpy times. (I have heard this frequently mentioned in relation to toddlers vs. teenagers.  It’s the early days of them being cute, sweet and funny that will help you trudge through the more challenging years of teenager-dom.) SO I started thinking about the many events, people, and travels of this past month and started taking inventory.  Of course, when I realized that were things I shouldn’t forget- and that I hadn’t blogged in awhile- I decided to come home, ignore 2^nd grade school work, and type it out. This has potential to be lengthy for sure! AND I’m sure there will be things I forget even to type!

The kids with "GG"

 The park with Grandma and Papa

At the beginning of the month for fall break, I loaded up the kids and my friend Karen, and we drove to Chicago for my grandma’s 90^th birthday and a visit with family. (My man left to CO for a mancation/study leave). I was so thankful for the outlet malls in southern Illinois, as A grew so much this summer she left home with one pair of pants and two long sleeved shirts that fit! We aren’t mall shoppers, and the stores here were definitely lacking in selection and “Leggett prices”, so being able to do a one-stop-shopping experience was great. We were able to head to the “cooler” (it ended up getting warm while we were there) midwest with clothes to wear. We were able to have a great visit with family (ALL of them) at the party and over the few days we were there, visited the Field Museum, an old mill, and the American Girl doll store (the GIRLS were more thankful there). The kids traveled well in the car, the driving was easy, and time with family- immediate and extended was fun.  The cousins were able to be together and we had time with my parents.  There were a few bumps that we worked through (wet beds, clogged toilets and the “we only have 45 minutes left in the car so let’s start fighting) but it was terrific. I flat out LOVE traveling with my kids. Highlights:  Keller watched the entire 3D Sue the Dinosaur movie wearing glasses, and exclaiming “He NOT eat me” when we saw the Robo-dino exhibit. A read all the info about the different things we were looking at, and was excited when she saw things related to what we were studying at school. AG totally conflicted trying to pick an outfit for herself and her American Girl doll and wanting to talk (at length) to anyone who would listen.  I really loved being with all my extended family at my Grandma’s party.  Everyone was happy, interacting, eating, playing….we just don’t get to experience that very often since we’re so far away- so it’s precious.

Some of the Festivus gang

            Next we drove to St. Louis- complete with a final trip to Culvers (Hurray for Butter Burgers and cheese curds) to visit Justin and Emily, Mike and Judy, and Bill – and Janet (surprise bonus!) We all stayed at Justin and Emily’s, which was fun. And even though they had classes and work schedules, we were able to see everyone and have some quality family time.  We went to the zoo (rode the train) and visited the Art Museum. The weather was crystal clear and the perfect temperature. The animals were out- at least the ones we wanted to see. The art museum was JUST big enough to hold the kids attention and for A’s to see a REAL Van Gogh (she just painted her own version of Starry Night) and Renoir, Degas…and more mummies! We also found a fun cupcake shop on the way home and stopped at Trader Joe’s and picked my man up some of his favorite cookies! We went home for a “festivus” dinner (with just part of the family) and stayed up late visiting. Ahh, what a day. The highlight was seeing the kids genuinely excited about what they were seeing/experiencing. Such delight! The next day we went to the Arch of St. Louis and we had dinner at AN AMAZING pizza place with Mike and Judy, took a nighttime tour of “The Loop” and their new place and talked into the night.

A with VanGogh

We came home, did laundry, and then my man and I headed to upstate SC for a conference planning meeting: 5 couples, all in ministry, planning for the Crieff conference, processing life and ministry (a group therapy session), and time to relax. We had many people step in to help with the kids at home, so I didn’t have to worry about them. (THAT is THE BIGGEST BLESSING OF ALL TIME!)  It was a beautiful place. The weather was again amazing, and I was able to sleep in until 7!!  I also witnessed a miracle. My man fixed everyone breakfast- omelets and grits. I had no idea her could do that. Poor guy, now his secret is out!  We went to Clemson one day and saw an “adopted sister” and ate at Grouchos (a favorite SC sandwich place). We ate well, had great talks (challenging and encouraging) well into the night. How thankful am I for those who “are in the same boat” and are dedicated to each other, and ministry in such a great way! 

This week coming back has been crazy. Of course I added in an extra trip to Birmingham (after being home only a day) to see a friend I knew back in high school I hadn’t seen for 18 years! We met at a conference in high school and were close for several years until college happened.  Thanks to strange pregnancy dreams, I tracked her down a few years ago.  And thanks to Facebook, we keep in touch.  But how FUN to SEE her face to face after so many years! I also included visits with soul-friends and make that another great day!

Re-entering the “real world” this week meant lots of extras: teaching Sunday school, carnival at the elementary school, snacks for school, carpools, ballet and soccer games…and possibly a few more day trips for soccer games and new babies. But I’m glad that to have had break. And there are glimmers of hope in my functioning as my house is dirty and Keller had play dough in his hair an entire day before I washed it out. (See! I’m relaxing my OCDness! I’m growing!) Yep, I am thankful.

“For a happy heart is a grateful heart. I’m glad for all I have, that’s an easy way to start!”

-Veggie Tales (proof of long car rides and DVD watching for the kids)

Cookie of the week- Frosted shortbread cut-out cookies

(last week- M&M cookies)

3am and making the most of it

It all started with a shriek, and now I’m awake.  Chalk it up to a few nights of K’s growing pains coupled with the state of my hormones, and it’s another 3am night vigil.  Initially, I try to use these early hours to pray, think, reflect- all of which are a struggle during the waking hours these days, But after awhile, it turns into obsession over factors I cannot control, which leads to more specific prayers of “what do I do about ____”…this morning (if I can refer to this time as such) I am overly focused of several friendships/struggles friends are going through, and AG’s constant pining for attention/affection. And once again I am reminded that I am not in control, how I am not the “fourth person in the Trinity”, and my desperate need for The One.  And after what seemed to be about an hour of the “alone time” in my bed, I have decided to Carpe Diem, and blog since that too is a challenge these days.

My man and I have called a truce/ set a new policy.  No “electronics” after he gets home from work.  It is a constant battle of phones, e-mail, facebook, goggle searches/ebay for his latest projects (right now it is squirrel pelts?!) and his studying which now consists of power point presentations on the ipad. (I actually think that last has a different name, but I can’t remember the program he uses that is “better” than power point.) All to say that in addition to the children’s increased energy levels post-dinner (how and why does that happen??!!), trying to get dinner made, eaten, cleaned up, and everyone’s bedtime routine implemented, the computer, phone, etc. can all make those necessities into distractions instead of the goals. AND it keeps us from being on the same team.  By the time it’s all said and done and all is settled, we can easily sit in silence as I spend an hour on the computer and then watch TV like a zombie-like state and my man sits invisibly on he couch with his “computer” in his lap until it’s time to go to bed. In my pride, I’d like to say that I don’t think that it will be too much of a challenge for me (save for the fact that I don’t have the ability to do much during the day as it is) as I have pretty much already given up the phone...but it will be interesting to see how I fare with additional separation from the “outside world” since I have little time to do that during the day either- Especially now that A’s thinks that she needs to constantly check/take care of her webkins dog, and seeing ME On the computer  reminds her of such- which starts ANOTHER battle of a different kind. (How’s THAT for a run-on sentence!)  Stay tuned. This will be an adventure of a different kind.

When K ties the tie

            K continues to walk in his daddy’s footsteps.  His newest antic is to “wear” my man’s bow ties around the house.  I mean that loosely, as what he does is tuck the top part of the tie (stolen from the closet) into his shirt, PJ top, etc and walk around.  Yesterday he added a musical element as he  marched in circles around the den singing, “ the daddy on the ba (bus), he reads, reads, reads”…(at least he didn’t sing about him working on his computer, right?) Very cute. He’s just full of cute these days and putting together audible and in-audible sentences left and right.  My other favorite is that now at bedtime, after his song requests, he says “lub you” and “tiss (kiss) me” and “ahh, a hug”.  It’s probably just another, newly discovered, delayed bedtime antic, but I’ll take what I can get.  Especially as I am reminded that boys are not affectionate forever. He continues to be the master tornado and add to that WWF wrestler, as he is all about a good “rumble” and is quick to top a pile of playing siblings. Poor A always seems to be on the bottom. And these wrestling matches/ pile ons are increasing in length.  They can now make it almost 4 minutes before someone screams about not being able to breathe, the laughter turns to screaming, and someone gets a fat lip from a stray foot. So sweet, sorta like a pile of puppies.

When Daddy ties the tie

            AG is all about “the prince”.  Who she is going to marry (“why can’t I marry daddy again?) And who is cute, and who likes whom at school…She is constantly pining for hugs, snuggles, wants to give and get kisses.  It’s all really sweet.  And my man and I love it, but it’s CONSTANT and I mean non-stop.  IT starts sweet, but then becomes a little over-bearing as she clings and doesn’t respond to some healthy re-directing/boundaries. And maybe it’s the nature of where we minister, but in our faces, we  are both panicing, thinking ahead to her as a teenager. I’m trying to encourage her to be expressive in other ways, etc. without spurning her intent, but what a challenge! If anyone has any wisdom, I need it.  I’m praying and I’m coming up with a “resources” of people to call and books to read, but I don’t know how to help her without crushing her spirit.  And to be sure, I’m sure some of it is just a phase too.  I’m not that crazy- yet. J She is really funny, and is so good at helping others, being empathetic/sympathetic, engaging in conversation with anyone…she’s going to be a great adult. Sometimes I just get a little nervous. I am reminded that I have no idea what I am doing and need all the help I can get!  The one area where my “self-sufficient” gene does not rear it’s head!

            Favorite quite by A’s this week when studying the oceans and the continents: “Oh MOM! I know about the Pacific Ocean! They have a Sandals Resort there and I’ve always wanted to go there!” Thank you Sandals Resorts for advertising during Sesame Street. Apparently, your tactics are working.  Introduce the kids to your resorts now, and it will already become a desire at 7! And as a mom, who I’m sure is also targeted as we peer through a stack of folded clothes for cameos of people we like with Elmo, I would prefer to go to the Bahamas resort with the big water slide, as it appears to be a great “family” place to escape from reality!            

            A and I also went to AG’s class this week and “did music”.  AG was SUPER excited and talked about me coming everyday for two weeks. We sang lots of songs, played instruments, danced around….it was fun.  I probably should have prepped A regarding what to do/how to help, as she tried several times to “direct” (take over) the group on  what songs to sing and with which motions SHE thought they should do.  She too, will be a great adult and a good leader.  She definitely shows initiative, and shares the bossy gene of her mother.  It WAS really fun to see her excited about helping others and doing something they liked. Again, I continue to flash forward and my prayers increase.

            And in regards to what I’m learning personally, (as that is what I really need to remember so I won’t have to learn it so intensely as the first time around), is how much I struggle with pride.  It isn’t an outward boasting for sure, but rather that deep, down, ugly, arrogance that slips out in comments I make or thoughts I have. It is SUPER YUCK.  Most of the time lately, it comes out in unnecessary comments that I make in conversations.  It’s like my filter is clogged and all sorts of “things I just need not say” ( or feel, think) slip out. I’m trying to hold every thought captive and keep perspective of who I am really am inside- that definitely helps. I know it is not a coincidence that songs of “do justly, love mercy, walk humbly” are constantly in my head. And I’m challenged to not just TELL truth to my kids, but rather to BE it for my kids- and even more for the Lover of my soul. Yep, back to the attitude of gratitude. It’s all about the motivation (love) not the manipulation (performance base).  There’s nothing worse than seeing your struggles being reflected/fleshed out in your children. In all the craziness of the last schedule changes, my balance is lopped sided- and I can tell in my attitude and perspective.(much like PMS- only the spitirual/emotional kind) So I’m trying to re-adjust, go to bed earlier, prioritize.  And I am so thankful that I am loved not for what I do, but for who I am- in spite of who I am. And thankful too, that there is hope in all things! So, with that remembered, it’s almost time for me to wake up and start my morning routine. I can start the day with the Word for today, some cups of coffee, and start that coffee cake for breakfast! And another thing I am confident of : I will need another cup of coffee again at 3pm!

Cookies of the week (last week too) White Chocolate Macadamia Nut

                                                            Oatmeal Cream pies

“The proud, trusting in their own way, get ruffled when all does not go according to their plan.  The humble allow God to be God, and will prosper under His care.”

                                                            K. Wingate A Father’s Gift

An update for mom and my new soapbox

Here is my newest dilemma: by the time I am finished with the day, I am finished. I have no words, no thoughts, and definitely no energy to write anything.  Thus, my blog is suffering. I just entered into my last and final transition of the fall: piano lessons.  First it was school, then extra curricular activities and now 11 piano students. My plate is full, although balanced and hopefully, in a few weeks I'll be adjusted to it all physically and mentally and will be able to be more consistent once more.  Until then, sorry mom, it will be more of "take what you can get"! :) 

A's panda bear drawing..

SO here's an update:  A is doing terrific with homeschooling.  She loves all the scientific experiments, learning how to read maps, thinks word problems in math are easy, and drew a terrific panda bear as part of our “living things” chapter. All these “new lessons learned” made going to the zoo this weekend in Birmingham fun as she read all the “animal facts”, and determined where we would go according to the map and it’s “keys”. My favorite thing about A being home this year (so far), is how much it has de-stressed our afternoon/evenings.  There are no battles about homework, etc., because she works on it all after lunch after we have “finished school”.  We can actually go to our extra stuff, or just play, watch tv, and go to bed with out me becoming “mean, over-tired mom”.  She had her first soccer game this weekend and played pretty well.  The kids don’t aways know who is supposed to “get” the ball, and following it all the way down to make a goal can apparently be confusing.  But it was fun to watch.  I do have to admit I was a little shocked when I impulsively started running up and down the field sidelines following her and yelling. Yep, I have definitely psycho soccer mom potential. Self- control will have to be implemented and exercised (but first, discovered).

At the game with a buddy

Today A had to write a “silly story” about an animal friend with real/fantasy elements.  In the first draft,  the “blue bird that loved to play the wii…got ran over by a car..and now there’s a graveyard…but then she bought me a new wii”. What?!  So I tried to redirect her by saying that a dead bird could not buy a new wii game- she got things out of order- so she needed to re-write the story.  Draft 2, “the red bird liked to play star wars on the wii…this man said,  ‘what am I doing, here a bomb, and it bluw up”  DOUBLE what?!  So maybe watching Mythbusters etc isn’t such a great idea. AND she spent ALL DAY taking apart a cell phone with various tools because she wanted to see how it worked/what was inside.  Apparently that was the ONLY thing that could hold her Benadryl dosed self’s attention as everything during school took 10 times longer than usual.

AG continues  to be sweet, thoughtful and always very emotional/expressive. And her feet have started to really stink. She is SO excited about buying pizza AND ice cream on Friday’s at school, and helping people. She constantly wants to watch food network for “good recipes” for me to make- although  she deemed (LOUDLY in HORROR) Paula Deen’s Banana and Ham casserole with corn flakes on top, terrible. AND she also declared that she uses too much butter- because “that recipe used 8 cups of butter!”.

AG had also been giving away her special princess rings as “friendship rings” to her friends so they won’t forget her when they go to college.  AND regularly wants to talk about who HER college roommate will be, and what kind of birthday she’s going to have when she turns 6 , SIX MONTHS from now (will it be with horses, ballet, or VBS?) , and of course what she will be for Halloween (Pippy Longstocking? or something else from the Party City catalogue?).

K is talking constantly. Apparently, like his dad, he thinks out loud.  He finds rocks everywhere he goes and carries them with him. He wants to drink “dader-ade” all the time, and has started making sound effects when he plays with cars, planes, crayons…He wants to hear “Rock-a bye Baby” before bed, and if he hears someone in the hall passing by before he’s asleep he yells “Wheels on the bu!” in a last ditch effort to postpone bedtime. My man swears something has "happened" in the past few days because K now wants to be with his dad all the time.  He wants to go everywhere with him, snuggle on the couch, wear daddy's t-shirts, shoes.  My man declared today that he and K need a backpacking trip.  Good luck with that.  Burying diapers along the trail doesn't sound like fun (or green).  Plus, four minutes down the trail, K will be yelling, " I HOLD YOU" (interpretation: please carry me). But it will be great when that day comes- K can even wear the new size 29 forest ranger belt my man just bought him!(?) I'm just glad for the little moments of male bonding occurring.

Today K was difficult to please.  He could not decide what we wanted to do other than constantly eat “nacks”…at one point I had to go outside to finish a phone conversation due to his loud incessant demands.  While I was standing outside, he locked the door and pulled all the clean clothes out of the washing machine to the floor in search for his blanket (?) – that was in the dryer.  Needless to say we had lots of  “time-out”- which apparently left a big enough impression for him to carry a doll from the girls room to the kitchen, loudly tell her “NO NO- NOW YOU GO TIME-OUT...M’AM? SORRY!”.   At dinner he asked for “MEELK” (milk) and once his sippy cup was in hand he declared “’dis MY beer” and asked to do cheers with a friend who was over for dinner. I literally have no idea where that came from…(we don’t call beer, beer, we call it “daddy juice” and it’s not common place as my man prefers wine and I don’t drink it at all.) They don’t have beer commercials on PBS or Disney channel do they? Or maybe it's the football we've been watching.

And now for my soap box and how the dots are connecting.  As you may remember, I have been reading a book "Jim and Casper Go to Church". (getglue.com/books/jim_casper_go_to_church_frank_conversation_about_faith_churches_well_meaning_christians/jim_henderson)  It has been a great book- insightful and thought provoking, a welcomed rest from the specific themed books I read (and like).  And this is my present take away- Church is not meant to be the "BE-ALL- END ALL" of following Jesus. It's a place where we come together, worship, learn, encourage each other and then GO FROM. It's not supposed to me the main event, but rather a spring board into all we do throughout the week.  That may not be profound, but I'm afraid that many, including myself, forget this.  We can easily get so busy in "church life" that we forget where/ how we are really supposed to ministering. I think I have quoted Augustine's "Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary, use words" but I have been once again awakened the reality that in the end, our words mean little and sometimes nothing at all (especially in southern culture). Jesus didn't spend all his time in the synagogue, He was out with the people- loving them, serving them, healing them, hanging out with them.  The only people he called out and rebuked were the religious leaders IN the synagogue. Jesus went and ministered to the people where they were in everyday ways. He didn't "befriend them with ulterior motives".  He loved them first as He loves us, as they were. If there was (is) a change, it is one that He brought (brings) about, not one that is manipulated through fear or emotion etc.  Again, not a new concept. I can name a dozen books that have reiterated that reality to me throughout the years, sermons I've heard, discussions I've had, so how is this so easy to forget?!  Here's my "so what"- that I can't quite reconcile yet.  How do we invest in our families, and our church, and simply live IT out and be able to do it all well.  How do we balance and decide what to do and when? Just with family life, schedules are crazy. Add a few church commitments, and there isn't much time left to "live it out". And reality is we just need to BE as we should- as He was, right? But for me, and maybe it's the nature of our occupational calling, but I feel like it's so easy to become so immersed in the "christian culture" (I use that term wearily, as it is a title I really don't want to claim due to the stereo types and assumptions that accompany it) that we forget that it's not supposed to be a culture, but simply a gathering of like-minded people to worship and grow IN knowledge and depth of insight. I know this has the potential of opening a whole can of worms, and there are a million angles I'm not addressing etc.  I'm not saying that church isn't important, necessary, or needed.  But at the end of the day, I think we need to stop talking and start living. I don't know what that means for others, but I need to get back to the basics- kinda like Ina Garten.  Things are always tasty in the basic ways- without lots of additives and preservatives and colors. When it's in food, it can mean spending more money (I'm not up for that commitment quite yet- nor is my pocketbook).  But maybe walking with the Lord,  means "doing less" and "being more". And maybe (of course, and obviously) I  need more time to process and own this- other than with the leftover brain power remaining at the end of the day.  This could be more challenging than a New Year's resolution!